I am coming into a place in my life and realized where perspective, experience, and accountability for my own healing have been somehow transmuted into small pieces of wisdom, humility.
To those I may have hurt or caused pain to throughout my life — unintentionally — I offer my sincere apology and ask your grace and forgiveness. I have always tried to move through life with grace, compassion, and without malice or intent to harm. But I also recognize now that there were moments when I was reacting and moving through life as best I could with my own unhealed wounds, traumas, fears, and pain — experiences “gifted” to me by life.
I have always believed that difficulty and pain, while deeply uncomfortable, can also be viewed in a more positive light, as a “gift”, becomes opportunities for growth, awakening, resilience, and spiritual rise. Not punishments, but invitations to evolve. (I’ll be honest, it somehow made it seem less burdensome to move through)
The truth is, none of us are handed a rulebook for life. No gameplay strategy guide. No cheat sheet explaining how to navigate grief, heartbreak, abandonment, fear, loss, or the complicated layers of being human and relationships.
Life sometimes feels like being handed a massive IKEA boxed up item with over 500 scattered pieces — screws, bolts, washers, strange little parts, scraps of fabric, and pages of vague instructions in a language you don’t recognize, or no instruction at all— and no clear image or picture of what the finished creation is even supposed to look like.
You try to assemble what you can. Sometimes you think you finally figured out one section, only to realize later it was misaligned and must be taken apart and rebuilt differently. Sometimes the smallest, most obscure pieces — the ones that seemed insignificant — turn out to be essential to holding everything together. That is what healing and becoming have felt like for me. A constant process of disassembling, learning, reconstructing, and discovering where each fragmented piece belongs.
I am still assembling, creating-and I’m liking how it looks more and more! Just reflecting today how far I’ve come…feeling alive and excited about possibilities-
My eyes twinkled and excitement coursed through my veins, anticipation building for the Beltane celebration at a special and tucked away sanctuary of local standing stones and labyrinth we are gathering at, it whips through my mind briefly and tugs out fond memories of my recent adventure to Scotland and the very ancient stones I had visited there. I stand here twisting and braiding my hair and carefully adorning each braid (3 in total) with 3 shells- Why Three Shells? It is something I have always known to do, unexplainable to me but know it is just the way it should be done -but the number three carries strong symbolic weight across many “pagan” traditions: for example
Triple goddess: maiden, mother, crone (moving into my “crone era-wise, wisdom)
Three realms: land, sea, sky
Life cycles: birth, life, rebirth
Balance and harmony
Using three shells brings a sense of completion, balance, and sacred triad energy…creation, growth, abundance …also I might mention the Holy Trinity of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (I’ll probably be scolded by someone about the appropriateness of including in a post about Beltane 🤷♀️🙄😬 just pointing out the concept of the number 3 holds significance in many thought) so I continue to adorn my hair-
I intuitively reach for my amber necklace, a gift from a friend brought back from Europe so somehow also feels “appropriate” and while not a traditional crystal, in the usual sense (as it is fossilized tree resin, often millions of years old) think of its organic origin. Amber is strongly associated with warmth, sunlight, and life force, protection, grounding and calming energy.
In many traditions, amber is thought to “hold” energy from the past, making it powerful for reflection, ancestral connection, and gentle cleansing. Making it in my mind, PERFECT for a Beltane celebration. What is Beltane you ask? Beltane is an ancient Celtic festival (Edinburgh has a huge one) marking the midpoint between spring and summer. It celebrates:
Fertility, growth, and abundance
Fire, passion, and vitality
Union of masculine and feminine energies
The peak of spring’s life force
Traditionally, people lit bonfires, danced with ribbon, and colorful scarves and attire around the Maypole, and honored the natural world in full bloom, gifts of shared food and feasting, and revelry, enjoying nature- a purification of the unwanted and old to make way for positive manifestation.
As I approach the venue, Celtic music softly playing on my speakers, my windows rolled down, the flow of air through the open portals tossing my hair around in wild frenzy, a dance as the seashells dangling in my hair jingling from their rings whip about, bouncing and twirling against each other. I notice how vibrant green the leaves of trees are, the faint waft of some flowering plants/trees (likely culprits of my allergies I’ve battled of recent) delightfully fragrant and I am glad I’ve doubled up on my allergy meds. I hear running water to my right some where amongst the thick vegetation, hidden from my sight here on the road as I negotiate a turn, I smile and think how amusing to be turning down a road called “Ireland Rd” on my way to a Celtic celebration of Beltane-I amuse easily, but do wonder if it was intentional or just something I noticed?
Pulling in and parking, I grab an armful of my things and make my way through a brushy trail, the birds flitting from tree to tree to bush around me, and then I step into the opening and view of the labyrinth-while just tender and new in it’s spring growth, not in full splendor can tell how magnificent it must be in full foliage and beauty-the sense of peace and presence of this spot, filling the corners of my eyes with tears of an emotion I’m not sure I fully understand-the tall trees encircling this beautiful laid out spot for reflection standing as guardians-PERFECTION my excitement now almost uncontainable I set my things in a space and adventure down the other trail I noticed…leading to a most inspiring sight of blue sky a peek of Mt Hood in her glory and the amazing circle of standing stone-can you feel the magic? I surely did-but maybe that is the magic we all hold in ourselves if we only let loose enough, are authentic enough, to let ourselves experience it? The magic we carry with us every moment of everyday? Standing here deep breathing, momentarily alone, as I hear laughter and greetings behind me-we are gathering-I am again moved by emotion, in awe and appreciation of nature and her gifts, honored to be invited to take part, share and play in the magic of this day and these people-let’s make merry and mischief 🥰🔥😄
With Light, ✨
Denise
Scotland memories of a few sites with amazing energy- Glen Affric, Culloden, Clava Cairns
-just a modern day Shaman, moving through modern day life with healing and spiritual tendencies deeply rooted in nature-“feels like I’m finally free”, I think to myself as the song actually comes up on my play list-I laugh at this little bit of serendipity-a tank of gas, some sunshine, a packed lunch, allowing for the gypsy spirited me to choose an intuitive path towards nature today-the AIR moves me, the Earth grounds me, but it is the Water that always seems to draw me in and where I find the most peace, where I go to just let myself literally go with the flow…it’s been awhile since taking myself on a little road trip and today I decided to chase waterfalls and venture towards one not far I had researched-Panther Creek Falls
I arrived as the sun was just beginning to shine above the trees and down on the trail, intermittent patches of shadow and sun making the trail look like a jigsaw puzzle as I gingerly traversed the narrow trail, strewn with pieces of rock, twisted tree roots, an occasional log, the steep grade that hugged the mountain descending to the bottom of the falls – although there were a couple other cars in the parking area, I was amazed to have the place to myself (at least temporarily) I rejoiced in this momentary gift and took it all in- the tranquility mine to enjoy- I settled myself in a patch of soft spongy moss and decaying tree and just sat BEING, a perfect opportunity to do some breathing-that is when I became more aware of the magic surrounding me, entranced-the Stone people and Tree people (also known as the Standing people) of earth, standing quietly and stoically as sentinels, while Air and Water decided to play-sunlight hitting parts of the rushing waters that came crashing and cascading off rocks, and fallen tree to explode in pools and earth, splashing up into spray I could feel misting around me, the mist and sun creating rainbows of color that seemed to float and dance, similar to the dancing of northern lights I’ve seen in an Icelandic sky- moving forwards and backwards in areas of the spray and mist- the trees wanting in on the dance, adorned in their new spring attire of delicate bright green leaves, swayed to and fro, as the breeze (now becoming stronger and more of a wind) teased and twisted through their branches, weaving in and out, occasionally lifting the water to splash a bit extra against the shore and at me-Bird came and lit upon a branch close by to share the spring melody she had been rehearsing all winter and sang with a clear vibrance that could be heard over the roar of water, Spider also was there, showing off her intricate weaving and artistic talents, connecting mystery to magic in every gossamer thread of her web that glistened in the sun, holding firm as wind batted at it, testing it’s strength of purpose, her resolve and intention -so many lessons -indeed just a magic moment of being connected in nature
Rainy day…woke up to torrential rain and enjoying the sounds of it but not feeling inclined for leaving the warm coziness of my house (had planned a hike), or for that matter, my bed…it’s 430ish in the morning and my brain won’t turn off as an idea -an INSPIRATION “bubbles” in my consciousness…was trying to figure out how to capture the bubbles which will be very tiny in a painting I started yesterday…
…it’s a woman blowing bubbles in the tulips… and I realized that you wouldn’t really be able to see the bubbles very well because -she’s small in scale and proportion for the picture and so were the bubbles….I actually took this picture a couple years ago in the tulip fields, just loved the solitary figure amongst the tulips and then when I got it home and enlarged it, I was like “oh my gosh, she’s blowing bubbles!!!😃” I could actually see the bubbles floating and drifting away … so I think what I’m going to do is make some giant bubbles in the forefront so that you’re looking at the whole picture through the playful view of bubbles…HENCE I had to get up and practice the bubbles …at 430 in the morning 🙄🤷🏼♀️ DONT YOU JUST LOVE a rainy day??? So excited for this…a few more details then the “bubbles” (either going to destroy this fairly decent picture or turn out so FUN!!!) GET INSPIRED…(I’ll of course share the end result…if you never see it again? 🤷🏼♀️😂well I guess you could surmise it was utter destruction …
feeling “slightly bubbly”? Like a glass of prosecco left out too long?? I mean I don’t totally dislike it??? (Same with that glass of prosecco 😉) well practice, practice, practice…I DO like the idea though…might attempt it again at a later date
…floating among the lilies in my kayak, if I stay still long enough the lake begins to forget I’m there…there have been more than one occasion, however, when I encounter the great blue heron soaking up the warmth of the sun, standing balanced on one leg in the still water, peacefully indulging in the solitude of the moment surrounded by water lilies in her private nature spa…as I drifted into view catching her attention she gives me a very seemingly annoyed “side-eye” waits a moment or two then flaps her great wings, lifts off in flight and lets out a prehistoric and loud sounding squawking…I have to admit I reflect feeling a bit guilty of interrupting her peace and feel a bit rude…and think -it’s really about honoring space…learning to do the same
some days are for healing
some days are for blooming
and some days…are for not being disturbed
I took quite a few photos that day and have spent the past couple months feeling creative in my life again…painting…thought I’d attempt a couple paintings with them… here are a few I’ve done recently…
Feeling courageous… Striving for simplicity and not getting caught up in details and minutiae…I giggle as I sit here struggling to achieve that with another attempt at Fauvism -not sure why I am so intrigued by this style?…maybe because if done correctly (actually not sure there is a “correct” way?) it is amazing in its simplicity and imperfection? Perfect imperfection…exactly how I have lived my life, when I couldn’t wait for “perfect”, when I lacked confidence, I just kept moving with gentle courage…and usually it turned out much better than I could have anticipated…not sure about these particular paintings though?🤔🤨 I still catch myself getting caught up in the minutiae and detail that really doesn’t matter in stead of a more simple version…BE SIMPLY COURAGEOUS …it doesn’t have to be perfect… Just to recap-fauvism-simplified shapes, distortion, bright, strong, color, unrealistic – more representational and impressionistic Post note: I sat thinking about this some more and reframed my apparent failure at attempting simplicity (as I have recently in my life as well)… “I try to live simply… and yet I still get caught up.” But here’s the reframe:
I don’t complicate life.
I care about it.
I notice things. I feel deeply. I attend to detail. I don’t skim the surface of anything.
That’s not failure at simplicity.
That’s DEPTH…layers in my life…I set out to paint bold, wild, simple Fauvism…
…and ended up layering detail, texture, nuance… BUT creative in my authenticity?? 🤷🏼♀️😬🙄 lol…another heron I attempted from a photo this past autumn at a friend’s pond…the backdrop fall foliage was ablaze with spectacular color…
Ok, well now that “heaviness” is out there, I can share more of the “me” I have become, and what I consider my very abundant life…I sit and ponder in awe of my colossal ego in thinking that I have stories or a life worth sharing with others….in a world that seems set on self destruction, full of daily heartache and strife…but knowing we are more alike than we are different, we laugh, we cry, we aspire, we hope, we love our children and our families, experience stress, doubt, fear and profoundly we all bleed, that there are others out there who are suffering, have experienced nightmares and horrors in life at this current moment, beyond what I can even imagine, is humbling…but I am inspired and encouraged by whatever unseen Spirit, or inspiration to share my “story”…to share my words so I will.
Our experiences in life our unique, and subject to history, our context/reality, and our perspectives so I would never be arrogant enough to say “I know how you feel” to another who has also lost a spouse, a child or had similar experiences, who can boast they know someone else’s “feelings”? BUT I also have been “forged in fire”, overcome many hardships and obstacles, suffered lack in my life, so can say with genuine authenticity I have empathy and compassion can “hold space’ for another. The more I healed and found “safety” in myself, dealt with shadow making peace with it, “freed myself”, the lighter I became-started living a life I wanted for myself.
I have always been a bit “cheeky”, playful, a bit sardonic more than the cutting sarcasm I could, if required pull out and use only when necessary, (find it really has no good place in communication and a healthy relationship -my humble opinion), but a healthy sense of humor, (I admit sometimes in appropriate-or so deemed by others-eye roll here, as I am unconcerned by what others conclude) I have always had and humor has been some “good medicine” for me…sometimes you just have to laugh at life’s situations, even when faced with trauma – a good belly laugh can have you in tears, and tears of any kind can be a healthy release. I realized early on, we have such a preciously finite time in this present existence. With this in mind, I also want to start sharing the amazing abundance I also have encountered, manifested into my life in realizing that TODAY is my “someday”.
So will also be including some travel experiences, family stories,- the AMAZING LEGACY of my children and grandchildren, the wisdom and healing I have learned from a child, from pets, nature (of yes! look around you, there are “masters” everywhere, if you are observant, listen with soul and heart) personal triumphant moments and realizations and some of the art I am now creating from this “creative phase” I am now experiencing in my life…and coincidentally (ha-I do not believe in coincidence) am experiencing in this Year of the Fire Horse, as I am embodying the lessons of this lifetime…
Not long after my children all graduated and had begun life adventures of their own, having always wanting to learn to sail (a dream since childhood, fascination with pirate movies) and also desiring to be in closer in proximity to an airport, decided to relocate. I had just made the decision to try a new avenue of nursing, one that was a bit less physical but still required specialization and critical thinking, thought how “nice it would be to have a job I could do remotely from home and time to actually travel, sail and kayak. When I have an inspired idea, I put the energy into taking a step toward it, and believe the universe provides opportunity, – POOF there it was -my “perfect” job situation, advertised, -had hoped for, but realizing I lacked some of the qualifications for…I have always told my children to practice the concept/mind thought of “not limiting yourself-put it out there…let them be the ones to tell you no-but do not be the one to limit yourself” so I applied…what’s the worst that could happen? …within a day I had a call for an interview within the week an offer of a new job in Portland area. So here I am…residing 15 minutes (without traffic) away from the airport, and if I save and budget-(drink my coffees at home vs expensive coffees out) and live very simply (and happily) can afford a couple short trips a year. I began solo traveling, deciding not to wait a “perfect, or idealized” partner, lover, friend. Last year I had the amazing experience of enjoying Amsterdam, Scotland and the British Virgin Islands sailing. WOW Scotland-it captivated my heart, and soul, so think I will share a few of my experiences and Facebook travel Journal posts. Just a short one to start, as this has already gotten a bit away from me.
The admirable “Highland Coo”
One of my favorite moments of the trip was getting to spend time with some of these shaggy sweet faced critters full of personality. Highland cows, or as they are fondly called by locals, “Highland Coos” are definitely one of the most iconic and photographed highlights of the Scottish Highlands.
Highland cows aren’t just your average cows, they are as much a part of the Scottish landscape as the heathered rolling hills and lochs, their long, shaggy coats, sweet dispositions and huge expressive eyes (if you can find them under their shaggy locks) and impressive horns, they’re not only incredibly cute, and adorable they’re also hardy and RESILIENT – true symbols of the Scottish spirit!
They were actually bred to “pack” and to pull as their build is hearty and does well in the bogs and terrain. Hearty to survive the harsh conditions of the Scottish Highlands, these cows have developed a robustness that is admirable. They are capable of enduring cold, wet climates and can thrive in environments that would be challenging for other breeds.
Their resilience is only out done by their intelligence as they are quick to learn and can remember faces and routines. Their gentleness and curiosity leads them to be natural explorers of their surroundings- they are approachable, form bonds with humans.
We had the opportunity to visit a small working croft (a farm) to learn more about them and bonus feed a couple lambs! Lady Jane was in the pasture ready to deliver any minute (seriously) and we were hopeful of sharing the experience but alas she did not🙄🫤but here are a few of the other “coos” …Morgana, Flora and a few others I didn’t get the names of…
Recap:
Resilience
Intelligent
Gentle
Curiosity…and a precocious sense of humor-apparently
Just Life With Denise 