Where do I start? How far back do I go? at what point, and what parts of my life, my timeline do I share? Do I go back to my “before” in deciding to experience these experiences in THIS lifetime? To my contract in saying “Yes, I can break these Karmic cycles? Yes, I will remember my divinity, my light and if I do forget it…I will FIND it again? Yes, I am strong enough” I will share in pieces/chapters that communicate the full extent of the journey and healing I have evolved through, because that it is what this is-an evolution of soul work and BECOMING of REMEMBERING my Divinity, my LIGHT, achieving peace, joy- the healers journey – a healer can’t heal a wound they haven’t felt, to have true empathy, compassion and to be an alchemist of pain, I have experienced lifetimes in one.

Here is a reflection about the woman who walked beside me in some of the most difficult periods of my life- a piece I wrote in one of my “shadow” reflective moments-writing, being creative is a way of taking my pain and turning it towards power and potency of owning a moment, practice coming back to myself, being mindful and staying in a present moment-it also serves to process thoughts, emotions-just free writing, no judgement -hoping you will offer me the same grace I offer myself in creativity…no judgement (it’s pretty raw and exposing)

She 

She was there in childhood, when I was hurt, confused, and scared. When what should have been unconditional love was punctuated by inconsistency, cruelty and severity.  Painful welts from a belt, a hairbrush, a dolly-a child’s toy (ironic?) were used as weapons in anger and frustration against the tender flesh and spirit of a child. When cruel words, narcissistic behaviors inflicted deeper wounds and damage to spirit than the ones to flesh…

She was there in the dark hours of guilt, and shame,  when depression clawed at my arm trying to pull me further into it’s embrace, when the word “NO” fell on uncaring, cruel ears, and became a whimper as my body fell victim to the willfulness of another…when “NO”  and “stop” went unheard- only echoed as a silent scream in my head. 

She was there in the darkness, when again my world was shattered, BLEAK, and numb when DEATH clenched at my heart, not once, but twice in a short space of time, when beautiful new life met heartbreaking loss, passing each other in the space of a few hours—a witness to joy and grief being able to sit in the same room-leaving the world feeling confusing and unsafe, as I attempted to deep breath in what felt like an airless space… She was there holding me tightly in the night, as silent tears of a mother, and a few years later as a widow, ran down my face soaking my pillow and the grief in my heart almost unbearable…She never left my side…

She was there, took my hand each morning, encouraging me out of bed and whispered in my ear in a voice I could feel reverberating in my soul, “don’t give up, you have LIVING to do -let’s laugh, let’s play”

She was there lending her strength and courage to me in the decision to walk away from an unhealthy relationship, when I recognized I was a co dependent participant in a relationship whose cycle of abuse needed to be ended …my heart torn and bruised, surely more than the healing ones on my body…and more lasting…trust shattered. 

She was there with her smile, helping me back up to my knees, and then somehow back to my feet, helping me to find strength in stillness until I could put one foot in front of another…to stay present and in the moment-to live life one small smile to another

She was there “holding space” and had FAITH for me, the light that remained faintly illuminating the corners and places of my own dark thoughts, fears and pain, she was there and showed me a way to navigate through, how to shift my perspective, to gain more light, to fuel that light with dance, music, making choices that led to the bright light of a new day…to finding, choosing small joys in a laugh, a giggle, a hug, to believe, to let go the things I could not control  

She was there and took my hand, gently showed me how to offer grace and forgiveness- It was she during moments of sheer exhaustion and hopelessness, that whispered words and affirmations, of encouragement, of HOPE, as I continued to heal, and REMEMBER, to recognize my blessings, to find solace and peace in nature, the warmth of sunshine on my skin, the sound of water and bird song, to CREATE, to BREATHE, as I realized I’d been holding my breath for so long, conquered one small fear after another, to reach out to others, release what didn’t align with my soul and didn’t deserve space in my heart

She was there reminding me how to laugh, how to have fun, to be playful, it was she who reminded me the power of a hug, a touch, kind words, the joy in simple activities, the abundance in my life, how to love fully with an open heart

She was there all this time, has been and never deserted me… 

Now I stand here, and as I look in the mirror seeing the strands of gray throughout my highlighted hair, with laugh lines around my eyes, a smile on my face, AND in my heart, a twinkle of light in my eyes, – a PEACE in my soul… I realize and admire her for 

Her courage, 

Her resilience,

Her stubbornness,

Her compassion, she showed for herself, for others, her kindness, her strength in remaining “soft”…determination, her FAITH and the gentle nature, she somehow clung to and did not abandon… I stand in AWE and acknowledge that SHE was ME and always has been…how far she has come to be ME

In Light,✨

Denise

Post Note: I must make note and acknowledge that during all this time of pain, and grief there were others also affected by the very same incident, acknowledge this egocentric point of voice and realizing it was never solely myself walking through the shadow, there were my children, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, community a web of interconnection…we forget at times that others also are suffering as well-it is like throwing a stone in undisturbed waters of a pond, it ripples out upon the surface, and in all directions not just at a surface level but also below, affecting all parts of that pond in some manner. Sometimes we are just too caught up in our own emotion to notice or be aware of everyone else’s…I did (mostly)and it influenced most of my choices. This is also their journey and I hope that the parts I do share, are done so with compassion, and understanding but please recognize it is from “my truth”, theirs of course will be different (we all perceive things differently). I can also say that there was happiness, and light in my days, I did not want to diminish this, especially with my children- they are who I lived for, they were/are my WHOLE LIFE. Life. Death. Light. Dark. The yin-yang, of life-balance of polarity, it is a dynamic interdependence, interconnection, but most importantly for me, in recognition, throughout it all, there has always been LOVE and it is that one thing-LOVE that was the most important…in the end that is all there is.